Bay to Breakers is this Sunday. And if you're like us, the combination of the heat, exertion, and substance consumption might leave your memory a little hazy about how to behave. So, with that in mind, here are our expert tips at how not to be a chump at this year's race and party.
1. No Alcohol (Openly)
It's been this way for a few years now—alcohol is not allowed officially at the race. Yes, the men in blue will dump your red plastic party cup of tequila sunrise and, yes, they will confiscate that entire case of PBR. That is, if you flaunt it. Don't be a chump: Pour vodka into your Nalgene, just like you did in high school.
2. No Wheeled Devices
This isn’t Burning Man; don’t bring your flower power beach cruiser, your scooter, or your skateboard. It’s a race, if you want to move faster, then run. (Wheelchair are allowed, but must be registered ahead of time.)
3. No Bags or Backpacks
If you are planning on walking, running, or entering the racecourse at the start or finish, no bag or backpack is allowed unless it is clear and smaller than 8.5” X 11”, aka a sheet of paper. The good news: this is an entirely appropriate time bust out that clear plastic Eastport backpack you rocked in high school (see tip number one.)
4. No Fashion Faux Pas
Crazy, outrageous, offensive, shocking, costumes are highly recommended (it’s one of those special occasions where it is not at all uncommon to see the Teletubbies walking down the street without the help of powerful hallucinogens). But we're sorry, rave clothes are not cool. Come on. Dressing in neon spandex (unless it is purely sports-functional) will be scorned. Dress like a runner or dress like it’s Halloween, but don’t dress like you are a Duke freshman on molly.
5. No Bare Feet
Wear proper foot coverings. Even if you aren’t running, the streets and even the sidelines will be extremely crowded and if you are wearing flip-flops, it’s very likely your feet will be blistered and crushed. Ladies, if you decide to wear heels, you should just go home because you are a total chump.
6. No Cars
BART will be open two hours early on the race day. Muni will be the usual $2 with no special fare offered this year. Bauer’s Transportation will be offered to and from a number of areas in the Bay Area and may be purchased by anyone, not just registered runners. There will be many road closures to allow for the course and heavy traffic due to it, so if you drive to Bay to Breakers, you are probably a chump.
7. Don't Bogart the Marathon
There are actual marathon runners who trained for this and paid money to be in this historical race. The biggest chump move you could make would be getting in their way or acting foolish while they are on the course. Stick to the sidelines when you see competitors with numbered bibs approaching.
8. Don't Fear Carbs
I know you want to fit into your tutu, but mama says, eat you eggs and bacon before you hit the streets! Time flies when you’re having fun, so it might be your only meal of the day.
9. Don't Forget H2O
Even if you aren’t running, you might be partaking in other strenuous activities (beer is heeeeeavy) so keep your water bottle on hand and remember to chug it often!
10. No Solo Missions
Pairing up is fun! True story: A few years back there was a guy dressed as a piece of bacon who fell down outside our windows. His bacon suit was too stiff, so he rolled around on the sidewalk until Little Bo Peep helped him up. Be a friend. Help a bacon out!
11. Don't Piss on the Neighbors
If you can just make it to the Panhandle, you'll be in porta-potties galore.
12. Don't Exhaust the Salmon
Everybody loves those non-conformists who swim upstream, but chances are if they've passed the halfway mark they have probably had enough high fives for one spawning season.
13. If You're Going to Swim, Be Really, Really Careful
Last year, this happened. That ocean of ours, it's not a joke. If you must swim at the finish line, swim with a friend. Or better yet, just do like everybody else, and hang out on the sand, grub, and drink your remaining beverages. Have fun everybody!