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The #Hellastorm Awards (exist) - 4

Scott Lucas | December 11, 2014 | Lifestyle Story City Life

The Batkid Award for Luckiest Boy of the Year: Goes to the Santa Cruz boy rescued from under a fallen tree at Gateway School this morning. Firefighters were able to free him, and he got out with just a broken arm and some bruises.

The STFU Award: All your East Coast friends from college talking smack on Facebook about the Bay Area’s wimpy reaction. Look, everybody freaks out about different stuff, okay? We go crazy over rainstorms. You go crazy over terrible donuts and stale, over-sweetened coffee. Live and let live.

The "We Live Just Moments Away From Plunging Into A Post-Apocalyptic Hellscape" Award: Traveling by MUNI or BART through the eerily darkened Montgomery station this morning was a glimpse of our coming Matrix-style future: bleak.

The Leslie Knope Award for Democracy in Action: A meeting of the Recreation and Parks Department to decide whether the vending kiosk at Coit Tower should go on the west side or east side of the parking lot had to be delayed until after the New Year. Boy, we can't wait for the resolution of that nail-biter.

The “You Know, We Learned Something Today” Award: Today’s conditions are known as an “atmospheric river.” Sounds like the title of the next Bon Iver album, frankly.

The Puff the Magic Dragon Award for Best Drug Innuendo: That 400-mile-wide atmospheric river is also known as the Pineapple Express. Technically, it’s because it comes from near the Hawaiian Island. Really, though, we all know why it’s called that.

The Alanis Morisette Award for Most Obvious Irony: San Francisco didn’t enforce parking meters today. Of course, it’s not anybody wanted to be driving anyway. Tow-away zones are still being enforced, though, so don’t get cocky.

The Not Everything Is Completely Awful Award, Part One: San Francisco ramped up its homeless support services today, with hundreds of extra beds open at churches and shelters to keep people dry.

The Not Everything is Completely Awful Award, Part Two: Snowpack in the mountains was only 35 percent of average for this time of year. When the storm finishes, that number is expected to jump to 75 percent. Hit the slopes, snow bunnies.

The NEICA Award, Part Three: People are surfing in Lake Tahoe!

The "Holy Smokes, Look at This Manhole Blow Up" Award: This photo, in which—holy smokes, this manhole blows up.

The “There Is No God” Award for Most Horrific Storm-Related Disaster: Thanks to expanded storm coverage, NBC is bumping “Ellen” to 3 pm this afternoon. “Meredith” is bumped to two in the morning. Two in the morning!

The Neither Sleet nor Snow Award: The UPS dude just delivered a bunch of packages to our office. We asked him how the storm was. “Storm?” he said. “What storm? What are you talking about, dude?”

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