For the third straight season, the 49ers are headed to the NFC Championship game. This time, they’ll meet their arch nemeses on the road in Seattle, where they’ve been absolutely pummeled the last two times they’ve played. The Seahawks are a bunch of pill-popping, trash-talking, Super Bowl-less punks, but they are almost impossible to beat at home and truly were the best team in football all year long. They’ve embarrassed Colin Kaepernick both times they’ve played him on their field and have outscored our Niners 71-16 in those games.
71-16. My goodness.
That being said, the 49ers have never looked better than they did against Carolina yesterday. Even I have very little to complain about. But, look, I've been doing this curmudgeon thing all season. (Don't believe me? See here, here, and here.) I never predicted that our 9ers would get this far. So, given that the gods of football seem to be ironically responding to my doom and gloom nay-saying by letting the 49ers keep winning, how could I stop complaining now? What, you think I really want the team to lose? I'm just doing my part. My twisted, Devil's advocate part.
So with that in mind here are 10 things that are more likely than the 49ers beating Seattle and advancing to the Super Bowl:
1. Steph Curry missing a three-pointer
2. The A’s staying in Oakland (too soon?)
3. Jim Harbaugh giving a referee a loving hug
4. Bruce Bochy smiling, ever
5. The Raiders making the playoffs, ever
6. Anyone actually calling the Bay Bridge by its new name, The Willie
7. Surviving a naked night swim from Alcatraz with Aaron Peskin
8. A sunny day at Ocean Beach
9. Not contracting a disease at the Mr. Marina contest
10. The Seahawks selling you a ticket to the game
So, in short, the Niners are screwed. It was a great, terrible, fantastic, no-good season. Hopefully it’s a different result next year. Hopefully Kaepernick actually plays a little more like old friend Alex Smith and gets us the ring we know Smith would have if he was still in town. And hopefully the football gods are still rewarding my nay-saying with more wins.