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Cool Grey City of Football: Week 16

Jeremy Dorn | December 25, 2013 | Lifestyle Story City Life

Merry Christmas and all that crap, but I’m here to Grinch the heck out of your holidays. Let’s get these niceties out of the way – the 49ers won the last-ever regular season game at Candlestick Park in thrilling fashion and clinched a playoff spot in doing so. Happy Birthday Jim Harbaugh, or whatever. They pulled to within one win and another Seahawks loss of winning the NFC West and grabbing either the number-one or two seed in the playoffs. Whoop-dee-doo.

Am I the only person who watched that game and diagnosed the 49ers with overrated-itis? Aside from a couple drives in the second half, Colin Kaepernick looked like Santa in a yoga class (for the creatively challenged, this is funny because Santa is obese, and would therefore find yoga very difficult – therefore, Kaepernick played football like Santa would perform yoga).

Navorro Bowman is a hero for his interception and all, but I’m fully confident that my 87-year-old grandmother would have blocked that ball on the onside kick late in the fourth quarter.

And the secondary became absent and mythical out of nowhere, sort of like the namesake of this cheery holiday we are all celebrating by ignoring the needy, pampering our own, and getting ridiculously drunk with in-laws.

Coming into the game, the Atlanta Falcons were 4-10. For those playing at home, that’s just awful. Awful. At 4-11, they’re now tied for the third-worst record in the NFL with such basement mainstays as the Oakland Raiders, Cleveland Browns and Jacksonville Jaguars.

And yet, it took the much more talented 49ers every second and every inch of that game to ensure Candlestick would go out and style. Even that was due to a lucky tip on a badly-thrown football by a bad quarterback on a bad team.

Look, all I’m sayin’ is that Bowman won’t be in the right place at the right time whenever the 49ers need a crucial defensive play in the postseason. Kaepernick’s god-awful passes won’t land on the ground when he forces one into double coverage – they will end up where Bowman’s big-time play ended up on Monday.

Unless Jim Harbaugh can get this offense clicking like Santa does his reindeer on Christmas Eve, the 49ers will not return to the Super Bowl, let alone win a playoff game, let alone win in Arizona next week. OK folks, back to your regularly-scheduled awkward uncle telling drunken stories about his sexual encounters in high school. Enjoy the holidays!

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