When we heard that beloved Haight cocktail bar the Alembic was serving cocktails based on Girl Scout cookies, we were pretty excited. It's no secret that we love mixing altered states of consciousness with Thin Mints and Samoas—and we love the Alembic.
(Quick digression: One Saturday night a few years ago, we saw a guy try to order a flavored vodka martini there. The bartender replied that gin was a delicious flavor of vodka and then threw him out the door. It was marvelous.)
We're not saying that we don't love the cocktails that the alchemists over there have concocted, but it's just that a Thin Mint cocktail made with "Chartreuse, Carpano Antica, Pear Cardamom Shrub, Aztec Chocolate Bitters, Cardamom Bitters, and Pine St. Milk Stout" seems a little, well, crazy. We're not sure about the Shortbread either, which uses twelve-year-old bourbon as the base. Doesn't that seem like a waste of a perfectly good twelve-year-old bourbon?
So while we fully expect that these cookie cocktails are delicious, we figure that what the world really needs is a punk rock, do-it-yourself version of them. So we went to town in the San Francisco magazine Experimental Cocktail Research Facility (otherwise known as our office kitchenette), and here's what we came up with. Go ahead and compare these with what the experts at the Alembic came up with. You'll be pleasantly surprised. And drunk
Ingredients: 1 medium-sized Shamrock shake from McDonald's. 3 ounces of decent-but-not-actually-that-good bourbon. Our house brand is Old Crow, but go with anything on the higher end of the "comes in a plastic bottle" section. Generous dash of chocolate bitters.
To mix: Buy the shake from the drive-through on the way back from your kids' soccer practice. Let them drink half of it in the car. Once home, add bourbon and bitters (to class it up) and stir.
Ingredients: Either find 1 fresh coconut for a reasonable price and with a minimal carbon footprint, harvested by union labor, or—if not available—substitute a Styrofoam cup. 1 juice box of coconut water. 1 shot light rum. 1 piece of caramel candy.
To mix: Combine ingredients. Drink directly following one hour of hot yoga.
Ingredients: Ugh. Shortbread cookies. Gross.
To mix: Drink a beer instead.
Ingredients: 1 bottle oatmeal stout. 1 jar peanut butter. 1 bottle vodka.
To mix: Shoot vodka. Chase with oatmeal stout. Eat peanut directly from the jar throughout, preferable while binge-watching Veronica Mars, to taste.