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George Lucas to City: "What Is It Going to Take with You People?"

Scott Lucas | January 20, 2014 | Lifestyle Story City Life

George Lucas can't write words that sound like a real human being would ever say them. This is a well known fact. (Remember when Anakin tried to put the moves on Padme with this? “I don't like sand. It's coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere. Not like here.)" Unfortunately, Lucas's ear hasn't grown larger to match his beard (or his belly), so it's no surprise that the new and final proposal for the Lucas Cultural Arts museums reads, well, a bit stilted. So here's a handy translation guide, not just for Lucas but for the other two proposals.

(A little background. On Friday, the three groups vying to build a replacement for the Sports Basement in the Presidio released what we can only assume are their final pitches to the Presidio Trust, an independent agency that will make the final decision. On deck are Lucas, the Presidio Exchange's education and community center, and the Bridge's idea for a sustainability and environment center. The Trust had asked for each to these submit revisions and is expected to make a final decision on January 27th.)

The Lucas Museum

What it said: "The Lucas Cultural Arts Museum is based in George Lucas’ passion for education and the role art can play in inspiring young people."
What it meant: "George's new wife won't let him stuff all this crud in the garage anymore."

What it said: The museum will hold "an annual educational writing competition held in partnership with 826 National and the Lucas Cultural Arts Museum which is focused on an aspect of the Presidio’s history or the natural environment of the Park."
What it meant: "Hate George? Fine. But all you hipsters love Dave Eggers, right?"

What it said: "The Lucas Cultural Arts Museum could assist in the creation of The Indiana Jones Archeology Trail which would highlight important archeological locations throughout the Presidio for visitors to experience and enjoy. Follow Indiana Jones as he trail blazes an exciting journey throughout the Presidio.”
What it meant: "We admit it, Jar Jar Binks was no Chewbacca. But you guys still like Indy, right? It's not we've like Shia LaBeouf take that franchise over, yet."

What it said: The new proposal will be "a gentler, more welcoming building."
What it meant: "Forget 8 Washington and the Warriors. People in town went nuts in opposition to even those awesome sculptures in Crissy Field. You know the waterfront is still part of an actual city, right?"

What it said: The new project plans will provide "an unobstructed view of the Golden Gate Bridge from the important vantage point"
What it meant: "What else do you NIMBYs want?"

What it said: "Other examples of this same architectural style are found in a more ornamented form throughout the city in buildings of the same era as the main portions of the Presidio (i.e. the wharf buildings, the Twitter building, and Commercial Classicism found south of Market and in the Van Ness Avenue corridor)."
What it meant: "Mom, mom! All the other cool kids are doing it!"

What it said: "The color palette and elevations now represent the more subtle polychromy and repetitive fenestration and building forms of other structures on the Presidio."
What it meant: No translation avaliable.

The Presidio Exchange

What it said: "The PX is a contemporary center for exploring the intersection of human culture and the natural world through creative expression and compelling exchange. "
What it meant: "We're going to have TED talks here."

What it said: The new proposal for the center will be "55,000 square feet rather than 97,000 square feet."
What it meant: "Please don't 8 Washington us."

What it said: "There are few places on this earth that are like diamonds, pushing themselves to the surface, waiting for the right time to be discovered and built or formed into something that every person desires to have."
What it meant: "We want rich people to come here."

What it said: "The PX will be a cultural catalyst, designed in parallel with the seismic shift in cultural programs to be more participatory, convivial, relevant, and inclusive."
What it meant: "So many TED talks. So many TED talks."

What it said: "Major convenings, ideas festivals, expositions, performances, and other programs scheduled throughout the year, fostering the exchange of ideas, innovations, and solutions to critical global problems ."
What it meant: "Imagine nothing but TED talks, 24/7."

What it said: "The PX would be the ideal space for the Aspen Institute to host larger-scale convenings at the Presidio."
What it meant: "We want Gavin Newsom to broadcast his radio show from here. And also TED talks."

The Bridge

What it said: "The Trust and the Trust Board would make its network of contacts available to The BRIDGE fundraising team [and] would assist The BRIDGE team in identifying the venture capital to fund the first phase of the capital campaign."
What it meant: "We have no money."

What it said: "Can the program be reduced to correspond with the area currently occupied by the existing Commissary building—approximately 98,000 sq ft? The answer is yes."
What it meant: "We have no money."

What it said: "We do not have an existing organization in place with a fundraising track-record like the Parks Conservancy, nor do we (yet) have funding committed and ready to be deployed as does the Lucas group. "
What it meant: "We have no money."

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