Rumors are flying that actor—and our pretend boyfriend—George Clooney is considering a run for California governor after Jerry Brown leaves office. Though thanks to a pesky restraining order, we're not allowed close enough to Clooney to interview him about the claims, we were able to conduct an interview with the imaginary version of Clooney who lulls us to sleep each night in his muscular arms, and wakes us each morning with a freshly prepared kale smoothie. The PG version of that conversation follows:
San Francisco: Can we pour you another glass of Merlot, George?
Imaginary Boyfriend George Clooney: Yes, thank you. I'm so glad we get to spend some time alone with each other. After last weekend skiing in Aspen with Bob [Redford] and the weekend before that in Cannes with Brad [Pitt], I just want to spend some time away from the spotlight—with you.
Oh, San Francisco magazine.
But George, there's something we've been meaning to ask you. Are you really thinking about running for Governor of California?
Where did you hear that?
While on the private jet flying back from Aspen, we read in the British tabloid Mirror that a friend of yours said you were mulling a bid.
Damn it, did those Brits bug my phone again?
Is it true, George? Is it true?
Well, Arnold Schwarzenegger did it. But it was easy for him, because he was the Terminator. And Reagan? I'm a much bigger star than he ever was. Bedtime for Bonzo? Knute Rockne?
But we still don't get it. Why would you want to be governor?
I care about politics. I care deeply about the issues. Just think about how much I could do about the global addiction to oil, or violence in Darfur, or gay rights in Uganda if I were governor of California?
You couldn't do any of that if you were governor.
Well, yeah. The Governor is usually more concerned with, you know, managing water. Or building prisons. Or arguing with some assemblymember from Turlock or wherever about renaming the local elementary school. That's why Arnold ended up hating the job.
Why do you think he spent so much time in the cigar tent? You're hobbled on the one hand by years of ballot initiatives you can't undo and on the other by the legislature. Do you really want to have to work with the next Leland Yee?
That's a good point. But what about Reagan?
Reagan? Are you kidding? He was just killing time by dropping tear gas on Berkeley until he could be President.
You know, I hadn't thought of that.
Don't run for governor, George. You wouldn't like it. Just stay here with us, in this magnificent Napa Valley estate that we live in together, and ride horses, sip wine, and play Twister until we grow old together.
That sounds wonderful. You're right. No running for governor for me.
And George, one other little thing.
Yes, my sweet?
What's this I keep hearing about you being engaged to some human rights lawyer?
Oh you know how the media is. When they don't have anything real to write about, they just make up fiction.
Oh, San Francisco.