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McDonald's Is Building a Tenderloin Tech Incubator Because the Internet Economy Is Going Up and Up Forever, Wheee!

Scott Lucas | June 17, 2014 | Story Tech World

Not content to rest on the breakthroughs that allow them to pack 48% of the daily recommended allowance of saturated fat into the McRib sandwich, McDonald's is opening a technology incubator on Market Street. Excuse us, we meant to say: McDonald's is proactively disrupting the real-time hamburger space by expanding its digital footprint.

According to The Wire, "they have already hired engineers away from PayPal, Facebook, AOL, and Yahoo, and the burger giant wants to expand their technology team even further." McDonald's is reportedly seeking to add up to 20 more engineers to its group.

A spokesperson from McDonald’s was reported as saying that the move was strategic: "We want a presence in the heart of the tech community enabling us to attract world-class talent. Being in this epicenter will also help us establish key relationships in the digital space."

McDonald's, a little-known competitor with Burger Chef, has flirted recently with high-tech distractions from the overwhelming sense of fluorescent despair inside their stores, including an ebook packaged with Happy Meals in England. Congratulations, Alan Turing. The machine you invented to solve the deepest problems of mathematics and logic is now being used to force Ronald McDonald's Electric Boogaloo upon children whose only crime was loving French fries.

Though details are scant about what the newly-assembled team is working on, the speculation is that the projects center on mobile payments. Someday soon, customers may be able to order and pay for their Bacon Habenero Ranch Quarter Pounder directly from their Google Glass. Truly, ours is the age of miracles. I'm loving it.

"This new digital outpost is the brain child of Atif Rafiq," reported Tech Crunch, "who came to the company from Amazon last fall to help boost a waning younger, more digitally adept audience." The only thing more youthfully hip, of course, than a frosty McCafé Frappé Chocolate Chip, being drunkenly purchasing a slanket online at 2 in the morning. This news is fresh off of Ronald McDonald's recent hipster makeover.

When reached for comment about how Mayor Lee's tax breaks for tech companies had indirectly lead to a McDonald's incubator on Market Street, the supervisor famous for trying to ban Happy Meals, Eric Mar, was unable to comment, as his head had exploded.

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