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No Fair, ESPN. We Want A Body Issue Too.

Jeremey Dorn | July 15, 2013 | Lifestyle Story City Life

San Franciscans love their naked people. We also love our 49ers. Especially baby-faced, tattoo-encrusted quarterback Colin Kaepernick, who, despite a 4th of July cap snafu, nearly brought a Super Bowl title home last season.

Combine Kaepernick and this fleshy fetish, and you get this year’s ESPN the Magazine Body Issue (Mildly NSFW). The quarterback and his tight end (no, seriously, Vernon Davis was also featured) are two of the athletes who bared all for ESPN, and it got us thinking—what if we were to do a San Francisco magazine Body Issue?

1. Rose Pak (December 2012 cover)
In case you’ve forgotten, Pak blew smoke rings around the question “Who runs S.F?” in our December “Power Issue.” The husky, immovable Chinatown don would look great with her cigar-holding arm across her chest, covering the nether regions with a decorative fan.

2. Michael B. Jordan (July 2013 cover)
See, not all of these will be jokes? We presume Jordan would be a fine-lookin fella in his skivvies, given that he’s played athletic roles in the past (Friday Night Lights, anyone?). Jordan proved his suaveness on the Best of the Bay cover, but we’re ready for him to dis-robe.

3. Salvatore Cordileone (February 2013)
It would just be so, so hysterical to see the Archbishop’s reaction to people flocking to him for something other than religion. The notoriously anti-gay man of god might get a wee bit uncomfortable among his inevitable horde of new male admirers. Lose the robe, Sal!

4. Rebecca Solnit (June 2013)
Because we’re in the business of making all those hipster-nerd fantasies come true. The 52-year-old, wide-eyed Solnit took part in our Writers on Writers series earlier this summer and it’s hard to not just get lost in her eyes. Of course, part of her cover-up would be a copy of Savage Dreams.

5. Scott Weiner (March 2013)
The aptly-named District 8 Supervisor has a lot more skin to hide than anyone else on this list. At 6-foot-7, the soon-to-be gay porn star doesn’t seem shy about the possibility at least. Which is rather confounding, considering his stance on public nudity. Besides, we're tired of Supervisor Cox.

6. Bruce Bochy (May 2013)
Let’s be real here—Bochy isn’t exactly lookin’ like Zeus these days. But the Giants could use any good publicity right now, and this would be…this…well, this wouldn’t help at all. But it would be fun to see the quietly self-confident manager in this situation. Maybe floating on a dingy in McCovey Cove?

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