To Anne Beatts, SNL comedy writer in the swingin’ ’70s:
I’m uninspired, flabby and alone. How can I jazz up my pathetic existence?
Contemplator of Bloated Navel
First, stop feeling sorry for yourself. Second, cut out all carbs. Third, get out of Ottumwa, Iowa.
To the Pleasure Syndicate, comedy-writing group and authors of Sex: Our Bodies, Our Junk:
Dear Pleasure Syndicate:
What sort of superheroes do you think get laid the most? The flying or swimming kind?
The flying kind. Perhaps you can tell me this: What sort of Sasha gets laid the most? The male or female kind?
To singer-actress Rose McGowan:
What’s the best wine to serve at a dinner party that says, “If you guys want to turn this into a key party, I wouldn’t be opposed”?
A nice bottle of Manischewitz mixed with Rohypnol usually does the trick.
To Brendon Small, creator of Home Movies and Metalocalypse:
I need a little dental work done. Any suggestions?
You will be blown away with what YouTube has to offer in the how-to videos. Just type in “molar extraction” and see what pops up. Nine times out of ten, it’ll be a college sketch troupe doing yet another commercial parody. But if you sift through the phonies you’ll find a watery-eyed lunatic, holding pliers, drunk on bathtub gin, spitting up blood. Watch that and do whatever the guy says.