Nice. Very nice.
In a stunning development this morning after protestors climbed on top of a Yahoo shuttle taking workers from Oakland, then vomited on the windshield, corporate leaders in the high technology industry agreed to liquidate their companies and use the funds to support low-income housing.
"They were right all along," said Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer in a hastily-assembled press conference outside Yahoo's Sunnyvale headquarters. "I just couldn't see it until the protestors hurled on my bus. That really changed my mind." Mayer announced that the proceeds of selling off Yahoo's physical and intellectual assets would be distributed to residents across the Bay Area in the form of rent and housing allowances, donations to public transit systems, and free Alka Selzer. In addition, Mayer promised that she would be auctioning off her collection of designer gowns and jewelry, and using the money to fund an anarcho-syndicalist commune and vegan bakery at the former site of the Yahoo offices. Also, there will be free puppies.
At Twitter headquarters in San Francisco's Mid-Market district, Mayor Ed Lee, joined by Twitter CEO Dick Costolo, announced that not only would Twitter be refusing tax breaks from the city, it would also be distributing shares of its stock to anyone who tweets using the hashtag #Barfbus. "When the person dressed up as death offered to give Yahoo's workers a 'ride in a hearse,' it really touched me," said Costolo. Echoed Lee, "I had never really thought about displacement and gentrification in those terms, but now I totally get it."
At the close of his remarks, Lee, joined by the entire Board of Supervisors, escorted the more than 2,000 employees of Twitter east along Market Street to the Ferry Building, where Twitter workers then jumped into the icy waters of the bay and began swimming west, toward the Farallon Islands. Along the way, residents of San Francisco—many of whom had been skeptical of the demands of the protestors prior to today's demonstration—jeered and threw rotten fruit. "The buses always seemed to me to be an understandable reaction to our underfunded public transit system between here and the South Bay," said Cindy Powers, a long-time resident of the city. "But after someone blew chunks all over that bus in Oakland, the light went off in my head. I hope these techies get eaten by sharks."
Protestors cheered the news of the Bay Area's sudden ideological changes. "All we ever wanted," said Zachary Brown, one of today's demonstrators, "was for people to rationally balance the evidence for and against the impact of the technology sector in areas of housing, transportation, and tax policy. That's why I stuck my finger down my throat to make myself spew bile on the front windshield of the bus this morning."
Reached at his city hall office, Supervisor Scott Wiener, who yesterday voted to deny an appeal that would have delayed a city program to legitimize the shuttles, said that as soon as he was finished passing legislation to outlaw coal-powered electricity in the city, he would be joining an agit-prop punk band, playing acoustic bass. The band will be called the Screaming Wienies.
"I started to have my doubts about what I believed when protestors dressed up like clowns yesterday. I mean—clowns. Wow. That got me really to examine my presuppositions and check my privilege." Wiener went on to praise the protestors for helping the city balance the costs and benefits of a growing economy. "The main thing is, we need take a stand for the people who have lived here the longest. They called first dibs, they locked in their rent control first, and they are the only really authentic San Franciscans anyway. Everybody else makes me want to barf!"
An Ohlone Indian could not be reached for comment.