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San Francisco Media Is Full of Crap

Andrea Powell | July 15, 2014 | Lifestyle Story City Life

Every now and then, media outlets have a slow news day. But not to fear: Shit always saves the day. For the last several weeks, many local reporting outlets have run stories about San Francisco feces, ranging from how to get rid of it to its exact biological content. Who says journalism has gone down the toilet?

Just a few days ago, the Chron informed us that new water restrictions have San Francisco officials pondering how they are going to clean all the human waste that clogs up the Tenderloin and the Financial District. Usually the city just hoses poop down, but should the state impose fines for high water usage, it would be too expensive to wash off the sidewalks. One Department of Public Works official was quoted as saying, “We give very high priority to responding to the pee and poop requests.” Don't we all.

Then, SFist picked up the brown baton today with the headline: “State Water Usage Rule to Cause Feces Crisis on S.F. Streets?” Forget a housing crisis, what are we going do with all this poop?!

Continuing on, Chronicle columnist C.W. Nevius reported that city cleanup crews can’t keep up with the amount of “Number One and Number Two issues” plaguing places like St. George Alley in the Financial District and Jack Kerouac Alley in North Beach. Even though there are two full-time alley crews dispatched to clean off the stuff, it isn’t enough, says Nevius, who added his own two cents: “Every week we get letters from tourists who say they loved our city but were appalled at the stench in the streets and alleys.”

Finally, a solution! Today the Chronicle reported on just what the city is going to do about all this shit. As we processed our morning coffee, reporter John Coté informed us that, starting today, DPW officials are taking mobile bathroom stations in the Tenderloin’s “three most well-used areas.” Attention being given to the problem is detailed down to the body’s clock—they will be available “a few hours after meals are served at nearby soup kitchens,” Cote reports.

And just in case you thought all poop stories have to do with policy, two weeks ago The Bold Italic ran a story designed to scratch everyone’s deepest curiosity. “Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Poop” included facts such as: How many public bathrooms are in San Francisco (226), how much shit would be “unleashed” onto San Francisco streets if its eight drop-in centers were closed (58 pounds), and what foods are most likely to unleash a shitstorm on the Tenderloin (avocados, coffee, and fruit).

Ah, journalism at its finest. Enjoy that coffee and please, for everyone’s sake, use a toilet.

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