In an exclusive scoop, San Francisco has just learned that in a recent study conducted by the Social Heuristics Institute of Technology and published today in the Journal for Spurious Correlation, San Francisco was found to be, of all cities in the nation, the most city. That's right, we're the cityest city in America. This comes on the heels of SF being ranked in the top tier for happiness, opportunity, and coolness by, TK, TK, and TK, respectively. And, also today, word came down that TK ranked San Francisco the best city in nation for singles. But those other lists are clearly just marketing ploys commissioned by real estate brokerages and desperate startups to snag blog posts and lazy newspaper briefs with obvious, irresistible clickbait.
They pale in comparison to the latest ranking, which is in no way, shape, or form, a naked play to garner web traffic. Nope, not at all.
As part of the Social Heuristics study, a team of big data scientists sent us a bulleted list in an easy to upload press release. No fact-checking necessary, the S.H.I.T. team assured us, this is rock solid science! In determining ultimate cityness, the institute took into account five main criteria: urbanity, buildings, people, infrastructure, and cultural density. San Francisco excelled in all categories, including fire hydrants, sidewalks, and business hours. Rounding out the top five were New York City; Chicago; Bisbee, Arizona; and Wasilla, Alaska. The study also found that the least city cities in America were Buffalo, New York; Houston; and Atlanta.
“We’re finally starting to employ all the data we have on cities to reach some very compelling conclusions,” S.H.I.T. research director Donna Chang said. “And thanks to over $3 million in grants from the Arianna Huffington Foundation for Socially-Optimized Headlines and two years of painstaking dicking around on Facebook, we have finally created a comprehensive ranking system for what makes some cities better than other cities, and what makes other cities suck. Also: Please click over to our blog where you can find all kinds of linkbait lists like this one inflate our page views. It's the ultimate in snackable, sharable content!”
To give you an idea of where we sit in comparison to other countries of the world, the data finds that San Francisco is more city than the entire country of Chile, which itself is the equivalent of five Irelands and twenty-three Monacos. Also: We're thrilled to announce we managed to write yet another blog post without having to do any original research of our own.