Michael Morse celebrating last night.
Perhaps you noticed: The Giants are going to the World Series! They clinched their third championship birth in five years with a dramatic walkoff victory last night. (We had a sexy threesome dream about Travis Ishikara and Michael Morse—how about you?) But what you might not know is that the nation's top theoretical baseball-ologists are predicting that the Giants will cruise to an easy, stress-free victory against the Kansas City Royals. It's as certain as the knowledge that Missouri is racist and fat (Google it!). Don't believe us? Just look at the evidence:
It's an Even Year: The Giants went to and won the World Series in 2010 and 2012. But even more than that, since the Giants moved to San Francisco, their even-year postseason record is 34-23. In odd years, they are just 9-18. Data don't lie.
Vegas Favors the Royals: Therefore the Royals will lose. Always happens.
We Have Better Singers: During this postseason, the Giants have brought out Tony Bennett, members of the Grateful Dead, and Chris Isaak (ask your mother who he is). Kansas City hasn't had a depth of musical talent to match that since Count Basie left town in 1936. (That's right, we went there.)
The Niners Beat the Chiefs: 22-17 two weeks ago. If that's not a portent, we don't know what is.
We're Better as People: We smell nicer, our children do better on standardized tests, we wear cooler clothes, and our lives have more purpose and meaning than those poor benighted souls in Kansas City. That's just science talking.