We've been searching for a way to get that inner glow to shine outward for years. We've tried everything from aloe vera gel mixed with LSD to an exfoliating pumice stone that's been infused with the smoke of artisanal crack cocaine. We even once ground angel dust into our hair conditioner. Nothing works as well as opium wrapped in soap. It simply is the must-have beauty secret of the season.
So it's with great sadness that we report that US Customs and Border Protection seized nine pounds of opium wrapped in soap this weekend. The shipment came from Thailand, with little black balls of opium hidden inside hollowed out bars of soap.
The bust strikes a major blow to those of us who enjoy evening opium scrubs. And, sure enough, the aestheticians at our opium den are pissed.
What's the appeal, you ask? Well, according to our dear friend Gwyneth, the most refreshing morning cleaning regimen is to wash with a mixture of soap made from macapuno coconut oil, upcycled shade-grown moisturizing lotion, and the finest of opiums, picked by a collective of Afghan women near Kandahar who fund their operations with micro-loans arranged by Oprah. (The poppies also make a darling centerpiece.)
Plus, it's supposed to get you high as fuck.