My name is Jeremy Dorn and I'm a Bay Area-born and-bred Dodgers fan. Guilty as charged. But living in enemy territory isn't all bad; in fact, it's pretty enjoyable when my Dodgers come to town for a set of games at AT&T Park, as they will this weekend. The flammability of the teams' rivalry needs no explaining, but I am willing to give Giants fans a bit of extra fuel.
If your goal is to taunt a blue-and-white wearing fan this weekend, here are the five best insults to hurl his or her way to completely demoralize your adversary before a pitch is even thrown:
1. Call Don Mattingly What He Is: A Lifelong Loser
Despite spending most of his career as the New York Yankees' captain, the Dodgers' manager has never won anything as a player or a coach, and we hate to admit it. He went to the playoffs once in 14 years as a player, didn't join the Yankees' coaching staff until after their late 90's dynasty team was disbanded, missed out on their 2009 title after he had moved on to L.A., and has seen his Hall of Fame vote totals dip every year. In two seasons as a manager, he failed to make the playoffs, even after acquiring guys like Hanley Ramirez and Adrian Gonzalez down the stretch last year. Bruce Bochy eats managers like Mattingly for breakfast.
Giants fans still love Dodgers third baseman Juan Uribe for his role in their 2010 World Series victory, and rightfully so. The portly, free-swinging Uribe had a fluky career year in '10, and eternally endeared himself to this city. Alas, that was before the Dodgers snatched him up for an ill-advised three-year, $21 million deal in 2011—to this day, still one of the worst free agent signings of the modern era. Since joining the Dodgers, Uribe's massive failures can not be understated. For the Giants in 2010, he hit 24 home runs. In 160 games with the Dodgers, he has hit 8. Thanks for squeezing the talent pool dry, San Francisco.
3. Ask, "Who's the Dodgers' Accountant, Anyway?"
The two teams are only separated by 2.5 games in the standings coming into this weekend's series, but considering how much money they've blown on free agents, the Dodgers should be running away with the division already. They spent $220 million in the off-season to eclipse the Yankees as the most expensive payroll in baseball, only to play sub-.500 ball through April. The team's 13 wins equates to nearly $17 million per victory, whereas the Giants' much smaller $136 million total payroll has bought them 16 wins at $8.5 million per. Your team is three wins better than mine and operating at half the cost. That's embarrassing.
4. Bring Up Zack Greinke at Every Opportunity
Residual anger still lingers for Dodger fans about Zack Greinke (he of a six-year, $147 million off season contract), who is on the disabled list until at least mid-June after breaking his collar bone in a brawl in San Diego. Public enemy number one is the Padres' Carlos Quentin, who charged the mound after getting hit by a Greinke pitch and barrelled his sasquatch-sized frame into the much smaller pitcher. And we do not want to hear any of the blame for that incident shifted to Greinke, regardless of whether or not him dropping his brittle shoulder into an oncoming neanderthal was the cause of the injury.
5. Point to the Pennants
This one hurts to write. We will call the Giants' two World Series titles in three years anything from "lucky" to "overdue," and create any way to make the reality sting less. But the truth hurts, and the truth is San Francisco's team is defending the World Series trophy...again. If all else fails, or if you want to shut up an obnoxious Dodger fan real quick, remind him or her who owns the hardware. The throwback retort from 2010 was that both teams then owned six titles and the Giants had finally caught up—not so much anymore. Excuse me while I go cry into my Juan Uribe jersey.