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The Real World EXplodes in our Face: Week Five

Sean Pyles | February 6, 2014 | Lifestyle Story Culture

The time has come again, my dear readers, for a Real World EXplosion recap~*!!

It’s week five and the exes are finally in the house. Let’s dive in.

We get quick recap of The Originals’ romances to remind us that there is bound to be dRaMa~ when the exes arrive. After a high-speed shot of an arrow bursting through a paint-filled, heart-shaped balloon and a series of loud buzzing, techno-esque sounds overlaid by a shot of San Francisco, we’re in the house.

The ominous techno continues as all of the exes hesitantly embrace. Everyone’s exes are here… except Jamie’s. Apparently she doesn’t have one. :-(

The news sinks in that these exes are not just here to visit, but to live in the house. We get not one, but two shots of Jenny’s mouth agape. Her red-lipsticked lips form a perfect oval of awe and horror. She repeats “Oh my god” seven times. Then Corey says it. And so does Jay. Everyone is praying for the heavens—but Baby J ain’t comin’. The only one happy about this is Arielle who is literally rolling on the floor laughing about how “real” (get it??) this shit is gonna get.

Tom and his ex are reconciling the fact that he is now dating Jamie. “There’s gonna be drama,” he explains. His ex, whose name is not important, replies with a profound “I mean, duh.” The show moves on.

Jenny’s ex, who looks like a dopey but handsome statue is beginning the slow rumble of a beating on his chest as his primal, territorial instincts begin to take over. He’s eyeing Corey and begins to ramble about how it cannot control the gravity of his emotions. “It’s all on TV, wikki-wikki-wild with it,” he explains. “Last night you guys probably banged this dude out,” Jennny’s ex continues like the poet that he is.

“Oh my god,” Joey says. “I did not see this coming at all,” Joey goes on, continuing his role as in-house recapper.

Now everyone is getting ready for the night and Tom and Jamie are having a surprisingly logical and level-headed conversation about what’s going to happen later in the night between Tom and his ex who still has feelings for him. They’ll all keep the peace and try not to start any drama. Easier said than done, my friends.

Before they're even at the club Jenny’s ex is slut shaming her for sleeping with Corey and the buzzing techno sounds come back to let us know that the drama is RiSiNg!

We’re a the club and shots are being poured, a statue of Buddah makes a cameo, and the beat is drumming along as we see shots of Jenny dancing, Corey and his ex talking, and someone saying they feel like the eleventh wheel. Holy shit, there are eleven people crammed in this house together. I wonder how much Subway these people have to consume on a daily basis to keep to MTV’s contact with the sandwich shop. Maybe it’s cheaper by the (almost) dozen ;-)

Suddenly the show takes a super meta turn. A bunch of the lady exes are huddled in the girls room, talking about their loves, and the camera is stuck filming the door handle with the boom mic against the door. The girls talk about how the camera crew can totally film and her them, but what are they going to do, film the door? Subtitle all of it? “That would be weird,” one says. But, alas, that is exactly what is happening.

In the morning Arielle comes to a realization: It’s only a matter of time until the seven women living in the house are all on the same menstrual cycle. “Seven periods, synced!” Jamie yells. “I’m crashin' that party,” Jay chimes in. I cringe.

The final ten minutes of the show are dedicated to the crew just hangin' in Dolores Park. It’s just a regular, drug-free, frisbee fest. Emotions are running high for all of the obvious reasons. Tom is upset because he has to juggle his ex and his feelings for Jamie. The techno is back and it’s still buzzy and ominous but this time there are some chimes that give it an emotional quality. END.

The show lets us know that there will be a new episode in two weeks, and gives us a montage of violent, dramatic things to come in the season to tie us over. I’m super pumped. And that’s all for now, my dear readers. Until next time, keep it ~rEaL~.

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