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The Real World EXplodes in Our Face: Week Nine

Sean Pyles | March 14, 2014 | Lifestyle Story Culture

We're in week nine now so it's time to start paying attention. There's going to be a test when this is all over, so I want you all counting the number of times someone says "bro."

Without further ado, here's week nine.

After a brief recap, we see the sun passing the Transamerica Pyramid, a dog running with a ball in its mouth, some sea lions, and the scene is set. Now it's bro time in the house and the males are having a chat about how it's better to be without chicks.

Bro time continues on throughout the day. In fact, the neon letters what set the scene tell us "BRO TIME" as we watch Corey and Brian walk into everyone's fav sandwich joint, Subway. "It's deeper than a bromance," Brian tells the confessional. "It must be bropocalypse."

Back in Subway we get a good shot of some cucumbers on bread and Corey expresses how happy he is that the two of them have found a good relationship, despite initially fighting over Jenny. I know a lot of people hate on bromances, but it is legitimately uncommon that there is a genuine portrayal of two (or more) straight males who are friends. In fact, males between 13 and 40 have been found (according to some study I read in the Atlantic one time) to be the most lonely group of people in America. With all of this in mind, I'm happy for Brian and Corey. Bromance on, muscle dudes.

After brotime, Jenna talks about how she thinks Jay is faithful to her, but we know the truth. And the producers are pulling some Saw-style shenanigans and are working to make the truth known.

As Jay browses the house computer, a producer places on the desktop a video from the club where Jay kissed a girl.

"LATER THAT NIGHT," neon letters tell us, it's Hailey and Jenny having a real talk. She had a rough childhood, has always had a temper, and her and recently hooked up before the show began. Meanwhile, Tom, Jamie and Arielle are hashing out whether or not they should tell this girl to leave.

At the same time, Jenna finally gets her hand on the video of Jay kissing a girl and she watches it with Jamie and Hailey. Jenna is ready to kill Jay, she informs the camera.

"AN HOUR LATER" flashes on the screen and we get a shot of water boiling in a pot. It's Jenna, preparing her torture for Jay. He walks up, ignorant to Jenna's recent video viewing, and Jenna throws the pot in his face. Jay is instantly screaming and clutching his cheek as boiling water and noodles have just permanently marred his beautiful physique.

Just kidding. That didn't happen.

"We'll talk in a little bit," Jenna says. "I'm really kind of upset," she says sheepishly. They go back into the bedroom and talk about the video. "It's not okay," Jenna says. The two of them are getting really upset and their New York accents are coming out. Jay mentions how is now-deceased mother loved Jenna, which seems like a really low blow, and some sad acoustic guitar plays.

It's the next day and the obligatory San Francisco tourist time comes back. This time, though, they stop by the original Real World San Francisco house and take some pics. The photo shoot is fairly brief and then they're out to da club. This encapsulates the new Real World to me. Why bother remembering when this show was legit great, when there's clubbing to do?

We see vodka pouring over ice, Hailey looking really drunk and mischievous, and dubby, ominous music plays. Hailey grinds her booty on Tom and then denies ever doing it when Jamie confronts her. This is the most "dramatic" part of the show, but it's kind of meh. This feels like a rehashing of previous dramas. Maybe it will come to a head when they're back at the house.

And, indeed, it looks like it's going to. Everyone is around the house and doing their drunk thing. Hailey puts an index finger to her lips in a "Shh" sound and begins doing somersaults around the kitchen while wrapped in a blanket and she knocks into a pole.

Meanwhile, Tom is yelling about what a bitch Hailey is. Jamie is telling him to calm down. Pan back to the kitchen and Hailey is still rolling around and we hear sobbing coming from within the blanket.

"Hahaha, I'm literally just rolling around while they're talking about me," Hailey squeals.

Tom goes up to Hailey and it's beginning to feel more Cabin in the Woods than Saw.

The two fight and it comes out that Tom wants Hailey gone. It's reaching a climax. "Do it, do it, do it," Tom yells. "Hit me again like you've done before."

And she does.

Hailey backhands Tom really hard, and meanwhile Jamie is just standing in the corner brushing her teeth with a really large electric toothbrush. We see Hailey go in for another hit everyone is yelling "Hailey, stop it!" Everyone moves her into a bedroom and close the door. She tells the camera men to fuck off, despite being "cool or whatever," and they listen.

Except she's not done. She's yelling through the walls that Tom should die, that he is a worthless garbage asshole. Eventually Hailey gets on the phone with her godmother and promises to ruin Tom's life and that she would rather stay in the house to hurt him than leave and make things better. And that's the end, y'all. The final shot is of Hailey on the phone, looking very calm and assured of her hate. Credits.

Until next time, keep it ~rEaL~ xo

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