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The Real World EXplodes in our Face: Week Six

Sean Pyles | February 20, 2014 | Lifestyle Story Culture

It has been a while, dear reader, since we last viewed the horrendous actions of the Real World EXplosion house. Indeed, the show took a two-week hiatus to collect itself and think back on its bad behavior. Let’s see if they’ve learned anything.

The episode starts with a bunch of static sounds, a recap of a boating adventure and someone saying that they feel so bonded to everyone right at that moment. UNTIL—more static—the EXES are there and the drama is immediate. There’s baggage, lingering feelings, a sad moment at Dolores Park.

That’s all the recap we need before the exploding, paint-filled balloon appears to signal the beginning of the episode.

But we’re still in Dolores Park. It’s been two weeks and these people haven’t left at all. Tom breaks up with Jamie immediately because titles are so difficult. “Ladies,” he declares, “why do you need titles right away?” The title wasn’t a problem before his ex came, but things are different now. Poor Jamie. She’s looking super sad as she walks away from the park alone with her little red backpack and large sunglasses.

Going into every reality show the viewer can expect extremely contrived scenes to create drama and excitement, but this show is different. Rather than boisterous and wild, everyone here is just… sad. Everyone in the house—Original Flavor and Ex—has voiced exhaustion at the situation. Jay, who hasn’t had any lovin' since the show began, says how tired he is when his ex-girlfriend tries to give him a kiss for every day they’ve been apart. It’s sweet but he is understandably too emotionally exhausted to care.

It’s nine minutes in and it’s time for a montage of things to come. People are saying things are bad. There’s a pregnancy test in the garbage can. Jamie is yelling “Manchild” over and over.

But until then they’re all just friends chillin' at the beach talking about they aren’t threatened by each other. They’re all just mature adults. “It’s fine, have sex. It is what it is,” they reassure each other. “When you F with B’s, you get stuff like this,” Corey enlightens us.

Neon text on black background: LATER THAT NIGHT. It’s time to party. Jamie is single and killin' it, she says. It’s true. They’re at da club and Jamie is bouncing up and down having so much fun. Jay, the chronic phone number collector, laments that he is unable to get those digits with his ex around. Naturally, the drama between Jamie, Tom, and Tom’s ex is the center focus. Tom touches his ex's leg and Drunk Jamie yells somewhat incomprehensibly about it. When they’re back at the house Jamie is donning her baggy red basketball shorts and big blue shirt. Tom starts making humming types noises to mock Jamie’s whining on the phone. And that’s the night.

The day is consumed by an uneventful conversation between Corey and his ex and it’s night time again. Jamie is flirting with a guy and asking Tom if he’s jealous. Jenny is kicking her legs in every direction, moving her arms in a similarly uncoordinated way while her tongue flops around accordingly. Somehow, she commands respect. “I’m a package deal, bro,” she tells her greasy, plastic-y haired ex. She’s not going to sacrifice who she is to be with him.

The next day everyone is just chilling around the house again and godsend Ariel is working as mediator for Jenny and her ex. As Jenny snacks on guacamole, she compares him to an overripe avocado ready to burst, like avocados do. Jenny isn’t having any of it. She brandishes a knife and dances with it before telling her ex to act his age, not his IQ.

Now Jamie and Tom are talking over soft acoustic guitar, so we know it’s going to be a personal moment. Tom had a heart-to-heart with his papa and realized he wants Jamie as his official GF. The past is past, the future is future, Tom says, and they’re both going to live for now. Meanwhile, Corey is feeding his ex pizza in the shower and they plan the most perfect San Francisco day. It’s cable cars, sunshine, and hugs—must be rekindled love.

Later in the night Tom is talking to his ex about how he doesn’t trust her because back when he lost his virginity to her, she lied about also being a virgin. It’s problematic and making me cringe because Tom is so charming but so sexist. Eek. After a brief convo about whose butt is bigger —Corey or Tom’s— it’s time for bro-chat about living with their ladies. It’s hard, they say, but nice, to live with the one you love. Or at least the one you're hooking up with.

Less than then minutes left and we need another piece of drama. Corey’s ex is pregnant! That’s horrifying. She’s in the confessional and is kind of blasé about it. But once she’s talking with Corey it’s all tears and hesitation, understandably. It seems like she’s going to have to leave, because the Real World house is no place for an expecting mother-to-be. Another roommate gone. Maybe they’ll have to bring back Ashley? Please, Real World Gods/Producers, give me more Ashley. This show needs something to break up the tears, and I think a drunken, purse-throwing tirade is exactly the thing. We’ll be back next week, y’all. Until then, keep it ~rEaL~.

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