It’s that time again, everyone. Real World EXplosion: Episode Three. This episode is titled “The Departure,” implying that something or someone will be… departing. Will Drunk Ashley sail away with Captain Morgan? Maybe Corey will catch a wave and surf back to L.A. Let’s see!
The show begins with a brief recap: Drunk Ashley reiterating that she will buy and sell everyone’s families, sloppy kisses at a club, Jenny and Corey’s suddenly tumultuous relationship. Then it cuts to the neon text on black background:
Little do they know… THEIR EXES WILL BE MOVING IN SOON
R-E-A-L W-O-R-L-D E-X-P-L-O-S-I-O-N
14 DAYS UNTIL THE EXES ARRIVE.
After a quick and blurry shot of the Golden Gate Bridge it’s time to begin. Corey is wearing a bear suit and declares he’s going to walk to everyone's favorite place, Subway. On the way there, Jenny says there is a chance she’ll take Corey back “if he can show that he’s not out-of-control crazy.” The next shot is of her be-dazzled booty as she climbs on top of a statue of Abraham Lincoln.
Now it’s nighttime and it’s also Jenny’s Birthday!! It apparently wasn’t earlier, but now that it’s the evening, Jenny has her “boob tassel” dress on and it’s time to PaRtY~! The cast is all at da club, cheering from the balcony as Jenny gives kissy faces to the adoring crowd below. Really. “She’s thick, she knows how to move it,” Arielle informs us. Cut to a shot of Jenny squat-dancing on the floor, pulling down her dress all the while.
The ritual continues back at home. Everyone has taken their places. Corey is angry again. Tom is passed out. Drunk Ashley is on the phone eating Subway. “I’m done with this, yo. I’m used to being the drunk one and everyone is taking care of me.” She’s not the messiest one around and it’s bullshit, she calmly slurs into the phone.
It’s nine minutes into the show and that means it’s time for a montage of things to come: Jay is one the phone crying, Drunk Ashley is yelling, we learn that they’re all going to have to vote on whether or not they want “her” to come back into the house. WHO IS IT GONNA BE??
It’s the next day and Jenny pukes on a bush on her way to the salon. Nothing else eventful happens.
It’s another day. Jay finds out that his mother, who has cancer, has passed away and I’m sitting in the San Francisco magazine office legitimately crying as I'm writing this. Jay found about the death of his mother while talking on a shitty skull-shaped phone in the Real World House. Fuck. It doesn’t seem appropriate for the editors to show this genuine human drama on the same episode that just showed squat-twerking ten minutes earlier, but then again, the editors of this show have not necessarily made a point of propriety.
The show moves on.
“NIGHT OUT,” the neon letters tell us.
Montage of blurry, fading images of Ashley drinking champagne, vodka, shots on shots on shots. Drunk Ashley is back! But then she's just… gone. Her stuff is scattered around her bed but she is nowhere to be found. It becomes apparent that no one really cares where Ashley is. It is now days since she disappeared and everyone is just like “Uh, I dunno where Ashley is. Whatever.” We get a brief montage of Ashley being obnoxious and falling all over the place and it’s supposed to be sentimental (?).
Suddenly Ashley calls and she wants to come back. “I’ve decided to come back, because it’s like a once-in-a-lifetime experience that, like, less than 5% of the world will ever get to experience.” I’m not going to do the math because I don’t care enough, but I’m sure it is less than 5% of the world’s population that will ever be on The Real World. As the earlier montage foretold, it is time for everyone to vote on whether or not they want Ashley to come back into the house… After a brief deliberation the answer is…Four “No” and Two “Yes” on Ashley coming back. I’m sad to see her go. But whatever.
10 DAYS UNTIL THE EXES ARRIVE!