The end of the year is a time to take stock. To reflect on your accomplishments and setbacks. To spend time with family and loved ones. And for journalists, it's the time of year to cobble together Best-of lists before sneaking off to the bar at noon. So, without further ado, here our awards for the best, worst, and most-memorable events, people, and trends of 2013 in San Francisco. See you next year!
The Real World Award for Person Most Ready for a Reality TV Show: Sonya Molodetskaya, the Russian blonde bombshell "friend" of Willie Brown, with her closet full of furs and her days full of champagne.
Runner Up: Sarah Austin. Sorry, Sarah, but you've had your bite at the apple already.
The Lou Seal Award for Best Animal Mascot: Sutro Sam, the river otter who took up residence at the ruins of the Sutro Baths, and inspired a wickedly funny Twitter account.
Runner Up: Banana Sam.
The Andre Ice Cold 3000 Award for Out-Pharelling Pharell: SFMOMA and Christian Marclay, whose 24 hour long film installation, The Clock, was 24 Hours of Happy without the soundtrack.
Runner Up: Prince, whose four-concert-long residency at the DNA Lounge is due to produce a baby boom in local maternity wards just about any time now.
The Darren Criss Award for Most Unexpected LGBT Ally: Raiders punter Chris Kluwe, since released from the team, who popped into the Castro's Hi Tops—not so much as to wave the rainbow flag, but to catch the games on tv. This is how equality happens: over buffalo wings.
Runner Up: The Supreme Court, obviously.
The Rudy Giuliani Award for Probably-Needed but Still Kinda Lame Civic Clean Up: Moving the Market Street Chess Guys. Were some of them using the games as cover for drug deals? You bet. But you could you still get an honest game of chess on your lunch break with the guys on Market Street near the Twitterdome. After the SFPD crackdown, some of them moved their boards over to Yerba Buena—but out of sight is practically out of mind.
Runner Up: Supervisor Scott Wiener, for taking on public nudity.
The Charles Dickens Award for Most Heart-Warming, Life-Affirming Lovable Urchin: Batkid, 5-year old Miles Scott, a cancer patient who saved the City through the Make-a-Wish Foundation.
Runner Up: Gabriel Angelo, the trumpet kid playing for tourists at Union Square and the Ferry Building. Shouldn't he be in school, though?
The NoPa Award for Best New Acronym: The Bay Area Bike Share, or BABS as we like to call her.
Runner Up: We like BABS so much, we're giving her both spots. BABS, BABS, BABS.
The We're Willing to Laugh at Ourselves Award for Best SF Mag Parody: Graphic designer Chris McNeil, the improv comics of Narcissicists Anonymous, and staff of the San Francisco Bay Guardian for the savagely funny spoof magazine called Smug Dickhole, that took aim at a certain local magazine that isn't 7x7.
Runner Up: Twitter feed NoContext_SFMag.
The "A View to A Kill" Award for Menacing SF in Film: Star Trek Into Darkness, which climaxed by smashing a few Starfleet ships into the City's 2259 skyline. We knew it was fiction though, because there's no way our NIMBYs would ever let buildings that tall sprout up, even in the distance future.
Runner Up: Blue Jasmine.
The Always I Hear the Beating of Death's Grim Wings Award for Reminding Us of Our Impending Doom: The Rim Fire, which came dangerously close to cutting off our Hetch Hetchy water supply, which is more than those environmental purists have done in decades of campaigning.
Runner Up: The plane crash at SFO held a special terror for journalists, as three producers at KTVU lost their jobs after not catching the "Ho Lee Fuk" prank before it hit the air.
The Complex Thought Is Hard Award for Forcing Us to Rethink Deeply-Held Beliefs: This one goes to the BART Strikers. Because as much as we love unions in general, shutting down one of the Bay Area's main transit arteries because they didn't want to file reports via email didn't seem to be a rousing battle cry from the people who brought us the weekend.
Runner Up: Mid-Market tech company Zendesk, for being such an overwhelmingly good corporate citizen that it should cause even the Google Bus protestors to rethink their opposition to the tax break.
The "When They Grab You in Those Metal Claws You Can't Break Free, Because They're Made of Metal" Award for Hastening the Robot Uprising: The Bay Area's own Iron Giant, Google, which has snapped up eight robot companies for a secret project in the past few months, including one that makes automata for the US military. Add that to the still-unresolved mystery of the Google Barge and the spooky powers of Google Glass, and you've to the beginnings of Terminator, or at least WALL-E.
Runner Up: Elon Musk, whose Hyperloop seems like just the way to transport a robot army from LA to SF.
The Word of the Year Award: "Ubertarian." It refers to ostensibly-leftists young techies who support government regulation—as long as it's not of the tech sector. Coined by the Washington City Paper, it's due for importation here.
Runner Up: BABS.
The Widow Norton Award for Best Gender Recontextualization of an Existing Cultural Property: The drag queens of Sex and the City: Live! who made us realize that the distance between Samantha, Carrie, and all the rest and the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence was so much smaller than we suspected.
Runner up: Donna Sachet, who led the 86th birthday party for Marian Brown, half of the famed twins, whose sister Vivian had died two weeks before.
The We Should Have Stayed in Bed Award for Dumbest Thing Written on sanfranmag.com: The time we came out in favor of renaming part of the Bay Bridge after Willie Brown, despite being completely wrong about his role in delaying the project. What can we say? We probably should have stayed on our summer vacation an extra week.
Runner up: The time we fell for Brit Morin's prank ad for an app controlled bra.
The Rain on Your Wedding Day Award for Failing to Understand Irony: The anti-Twitter protestors who used Twitter to spread the word about their protest.
Runner up: None. They're in a category all to themselves.
Most Over-Rated New York City Import: Cronut.
Runner Up: Blue Jasmine.
The Stop the Planet, I Want to Get Off Award for Worst Moment in Humanity: A hard fought category, but the final victory went to Kim Kardashian and Kanye West renting out AT&T Park for their wedding engagement. Why San Francisco? We don't know. Why invite a bunch of tech bros and dudettes to witness the moment? We don't know either. All we know is that even the memory of it drives us to drink.
Runner up: Greg Gopman, Peter Shih, and all the other tone-deaf techies.