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The View From the Couch: Critiquing Last Night's 49ers vs. Seahawks Game

Jeremy Dorn | September 16, 2013 | Lifestyle Story City Life

The two best teams in the NFC. Division rivals. Young, dynamic quarterbacks. Coaches that can't seem to stand each other. Stout defenses. A hostile atmosphere: Seattle’s CenturyLink Field, where the decibels from the crowd shatter world records. Sunday Night Football’s must-see event, complete with rain and thunder and lightning for an added dose of drama. Game of the year.

And I would have had more fun plucking hair from my toes all night.

It’s not just that our 49ers lost. Scratch that—it's not just that our 49ers got absolutely demolished, it's that the game was so damn boring. Colin Kaepernick looked lost at sea, throwing three interceptions, and not pulling together any semblance of a scoring drive. An uninspiring run game, offensive line, and game plan didn’t help. Even the performance of the Seahawks, aside from another hilariously epic performance by Cal alum and Skittles aficionado Marshawn Lynch, put me to sleep.

The best that this game offered was flags flying on almost every play in the second half, jolting me awake for the prospect of a rivalry-fueled fisticuffs on the sideline after a tackle. Alas, just two guys wrestling. And two “unsportsmanlike conduct” penalties. Even better, an “unnecessary roughness” charge for spinning the football like a top a few plays later.

Between ticky-tack officiating, a Vernon Davis injury, the torture of listening to Chris Collinsworth on the mic (we all know he was waiting to bust out the “Sleepless in Seattle” pun all year), and dealing with Pete Carroll’s grinchy grin, an evening spent Christmas caroling in North Dakota started to sound more appealing.

Chances are the 49ers will come back strong in San Francisco on December 8th. But until then, we deal with the obnoxious messages from college friends, the analysts wondering if we’ve lost our touch, and Richard Sherman’s hypocritical sportsmanship lectures.

There’s no getting around it—the 49ers got their butts whipped. Seattle simply played better that they did. So could my cousin’s pee-wee team.

Anytime our Giants (of the baseball variety) outscore our 49ers (4-3, for those wondering), it can make even the most diehard fan long for the days of Alex Smith. At least his boring wins were wins.

All I ask is that next week against Indianapolis and Jim Harbaugh’s former star QB Andrew Luck (at Stanford) be a game that keeps my attention. At least until the second quarter.

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