Sing, oh muse, of the whimsy of Bill Murray. But don't try to tell us he is anything more than an expression of our collective unconsciousness. No man this cool could possibly be real. Nobody as effortlessly badass as Murray could be anything other than a mass hallucination—as fake as Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, or Amazon's foray into television shows.
Behold, latest legend of Bill Murray, from Page Six. At a Q&A in Toronto, the actor told the crowd that he had once taken a cab in Oakland and ended up in the driver's seat. After the cabbie mentioned that he was a saxophone player, Murray convinced him to pull over, grab his sax out of the trunk, and then the actor took the wheel while the cabbie played. They drove across the Bay to Sausalito, got barbecue, and then ended up in a "sketchy, weird place in Oakland at 2:15 in the morning."
Do you believe that yarn? We don't. It's just too cool to be true. Nobody lives a life that awesome and made of win. No way. Real people have jobs, and hangovers, and whining children, and get ground down slowly but incessantly. Real people don't randomly show up at a minor league baseball game to take tickets. Real people don't crash bachelor parties to give awesome speeches about guys they've never met. And real people certainly don't play kickball.
That's not reality.
But if you happen to be among the faithful—and believe that Murray is something other than a figment of our imaginations crafted to distract us from America's slow but inevitable decline—we'd love to interest you in investing in our new startup. It's like Uber, but for Bill Murray.