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VICE Thinks San Francisco Is the Worst City Ever, But They Don't Know the Half of It

Ian Eck and Scott Lucas | April 8, 2014 | Lifestyle Story City Life

Yesterday, VICE took a break from investigating illegal pig farms in Egypt and reviewing the Miley Cyrus porn parody to drop this knowledge-bomb on us: San Francisco is the worst place ever.

Minds blown. You guys nailed it. Fisherman's Wharf really is lame and cold. Alcatraz is a place that tourists go to. And tech bros: God, the tech bros. But you know what, VICE? You didn't go far enough. If we really are the worst city ever, then you need to dig deeper, think different-er, throw on a fucking safari helmet and stare at some poop. We are here to help you. Presenting the real reasons why San Francisco is the worst:

None of the Restaurants Serve Rice-a-Roni We've been to AQ, Nopa, and Tosca. Sure, they'll charge us $42 for half a roast chicken, but the waiters just laugh at you when you ask for a nice bowl of Rice-a-Roni. It's the goddamn San Francisco Treat! It should be on every menu.

The Cable Cars Don't Go on the Golden Gate Bridge Oh, come on! The toll is like $92 now—they've got more than enough money to make this work. You should be able to ride all the way to Napa. Fix this, Muni!

The Fog Isn't Foggy Enough It's just not that foggy.

The Grateful Dead Doesn't Play Enough Shows Anymore We dare you to go down to Golden Gate Park and try mellow out to a laid-back, 74-minute long version of Sugar Magnolia. It just doesn't happen any more. What's the hell is Jerry Garcia's problem? He's willing to sell his name to Ben and Jerry's, but not to give back to the community that made him a star? We're calling shenanigans. And don't even get us started on Jefferson Airplane.

The Full House Kids Won't Hang Out With Us We've been trying to put them on the cover of our magazine for years—and they never write us back. So we went over to their house in the Richmond to talk to Stephanie and Michelle. But when we rang the doorbell, these goons from the Chee Kung Tong told us that they had turned it into a marijuana grow operation. There's no way that Uncle Jesse is cool with that.

There's No Gold Miners Anywhere You know, if you're going to make a group of people the mascots for your football team, you should at least make sure that a few of them live in town. Just saying.

There's A Startling Lack of Earthquakes Chile, Panama, Southern California. Where's our Big One? We've been waiting for nearly as long as we've been waiting for the 'Niners to win another Superbowl. No rumbling, no nothing. This town has no wow factor.

All the Bathhouses Are Closed Seriously, is this Provo, Utah?

The Streets Aren't Crooked Enough Right now you can look straight down California Street and see all the way to the Bay Bridge. Not impressed.

There Aren't Any Redwoods Downtown This still is Northern California, right? Where are those majestic redwoods that we were promised?

Thanks again, VICE. Never could have done it without you! You're the best!

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