By now you've probably seen the Zeitgeist-capturing advertisements for Diet Coke that are plastered all over town, including downtown, the Mission, and Duboce Triangle. The posters have messages like these:
"You moved to San Francisco with a crowd-funded website, a dad-funded hatchback, and a no-funded bank account. You're on Diet Coke."
"You moved to San Francisco with an engineering degree, an app idea and an investor named Nana. You're on Diet Coke."
"You moved to San Francisco with an idea for a start-up, a name for a start-up and zero money for a start-up. You're on Diet Coke."
Although the ads, by New York ad firm Droga5 in New York, instantly spawned an online debate over whether they were mocking or celebrating SF's tech scene, we asked ourselves another question entirely.
What if everybody started micro-targeting their beverage ads to San Francisco's thinly-sliced demographics? Because every journalist is just one lay-off away from joining an ad firm, here are our best attempts:
You moved to San Francisco with a Gender Studies degree from Bennington College, a dimebag of OG kush, and a yoga mat. You're on kombucha.
You moved to San Francisco with a lifetime membership at Equinox, an open tab at Tacolicious, and a water polo-toned bod. You're on raspberry vodka soda.
You moved to San Francisco with a complete set of the Modernist Cuisine cookbooks, an Etsy storefront, and a fedora. You're on a homebrewed Pale Ale.
You moved to San Francisco with an unfinished novel, a deep appreciation of the Muppets, and a self-knit scarf. You're on Anchor Steam's seasonal brew.
You moved to San Francisco with Macbook that still has an Obama '08 bumper sticker on it, a dubstep/electro dance demo EP, and a awesome collection of hoodies. You're on Four Barrel macchiato.
You moved to San Francisco with a mass comm degree, blonde highlights, and Lululemon leggings. You're on Hanger One Buddha Hand Vodka.
You moved to San Francisco with a handlebar mustache, a bartender's certificate, and a sure-fire hangover cure. You're on Fernet with a ginger ale back.
You moved to San Francisco with a top floor Nema apartment, an analyst job at Wells Fargo, and a membership at The Battery club. You're on a $625 bottle of Yao Ming Family Reserve Cabernet Sauvignon.
You moved to San Francisco with terrible taste in diet soda. You're on Diet Pepsi.