San Francisco bar Trick Dog has revealed its latest drink menu: The “Trick Dog San Francisco Tourist Map." This time, Trick Dog is playing up San Francisco’s most well-known summertime feature (well, after the fog of course): tourists. The menu highlights thirteen local attractions, all with highly-pretentious ingredients.
Here’s a breakdown of each new beverage. Bottoms up!
Drink: The Cliff House
Ingredients: Tequila Ocho plata, chamomile wine, Velvet Falernum, chocolate
What's missing: A sand dollar, fetched from the beach below
Tourist reaction: "Mabel, we should have listened to Bill O'Reilly's warnings. if you're going to visit San Francisco, they're going to make you drink chamomile wine."
Drink: The Sutro Baths
Ingredients: El Dorado 3, Pampero, & Don Q anejo rums, Sightglass coffee, grapefruit, fenugreek, lime
What's missing: Salt water
Tourist reaction: "It’s good to mix things up every now and then, Thaddeus, but I don’t know what fenugreek is. I'm so scared."
Drink: The Kezar Stadium
Ingredients: Beefeater 24 gin, Batavia Arrack, orange, rhubarb, lemongrass, lime
What's missing: Stale peanuts and skunked beer.
Tourist reaction: "Chad, do you think they would throw me out if I just wanted a normal gin and tonic with Rose's lime juice."
Drink: The Painted Ladies
Ingredients: Absolut Vodka, melon soda, mint, honey, lime
What's missing: Lead paint
Tourist reaction: "I was amazed they didn't tell us which beekeeper the honey was from. They like do that here."
Drink: The Lombard Street
Ingredients: Pierde Almas mezcal, Ancho Reyes chile liqueur, manzanilla sherry, pineapple, cucumber, lime
What's missing: Pollen
Tourist reaction: "It's so much easier to handle that curvy road once I've responsibily imbibed a little mezcal."
Drink: The Alcatraz
Ingredients: Four Roses small-batch bourbon, apple, lavender, kombu, horseradish
What's missing: Seagull guano
Tourist reaction: "We need a good story to tell Tinsley and Sterling back home in Nebraska. Lavender and horseradish should do it."
Drink: The Coit Tower
Ingredients: Rittenhouse rye, raspberry, thyme, lemon, cider
What's missing: Espresso from Caffe Trieste sipped while discussing the morning Chronicle with Aaron Peskin.
Tourist reaction: "This drink has as little to do with firefighters as Coit Tower does."
Drink: The City Lights
Ingredients: Ford's gin, Dolin blanc vermouth, Linie aquavit, strawberry, shortbread
What's missing: Vodka
Tourist Rating: "Jack Kerouac never drank something with shortbread in it, did he?"
Drink: The Fugazi Bank
Ingredients: Bulleit rye, Tariquet armagnac, Punt e Mes, Tempus Fugit creme de noyaux, smoked cherry
What's missing: Boa feathers
Tourist Rating: "I don't even know what the Fugazi Bank is."
Drink: The Dragon Gate
Ingredients: Campo de Encanto acholado pisco, mucat, Sichuan pepper, ginger, lemon, egg white
What's missing: Hoisen sauce.
Tourist Rating: "Why is there pisco in the Chinatown drink, Skye? Even we know that's a South American brandy."
Drink: The Castro Theatre
Ingredients: Black Grouse scotch, Lillet, Gran Classico, Spirit Works sloe gin, dandelion
What's missing: Amyl nitrite.
Tourist Rating: "Why are they selling VCR cleaner at this sex shop, Gladys?"
Drink: The Mission Dolores
Ingredients: Atlantico white rum, Amaro Montenegro, cocoa butter, basil, plum, lime, tonic
What's missing: Truffles from the truffle guy.
Tourist Rating: "Hey, Ryan, do you think the cocoa is medicated?"
Drink: The Golden Fire Hydrant
Ingredients: Calle 33 reposado tequila, Tempus Fugit Kina l'Avion d'Or, lychee, sarsparilla, lime
What's missing: Pure Hetch Hetchy water.
Tourist Rating: "You know, Pablo, couldn't we just have a glass of Hetch Hetchy water?"