Did you feel that, San Francisco—was that a pea shooter? A spit ball? A tiny earthquake?
We just got a hold of last month's issue of Sacramento Magazine, and our heads are reeling. In what we can only assume was an insane pique of envy, the magazine has come up with 35 reasons why their town is better than San Francisco. For instance, their gas is 13 cents cheaper than ours, their commutes are six minutes shorter, and their restaurant bills are 35% less than ours. The most cutting? They claimed that their Mayor, 6-foot-1 former NBA player Kevin Johnson, could dunk without trouble over our own 5-foot-nothing Ed Lee.
For our rebuttal, we are following Sacramento magazine's lead with a quantitative analysis of what we believe is San Francisco's inherent betterness. This is not intended as a pissing contest, Sacramento; it's merely an invitation to travel down to San Francisco and come to your senses.
Nine reasons why SF is, in fact, better than Sac:
Our populace is nerdier: In SF, 45% of the people have a bachelor's degree or higher. The number in Sacramento is just 24%. For graduate degrees, it's 16% to 8%.
Our pot dispensaries are more convenient: We checked Yelp. There's only 18 in Sacramento, but a full 39 here. That makes us more than twice as high as you.
And so are our strip clubs: Again we went to Yelp. Only three hits in Sacto, but 20 here in Baghdad by the Bay.
Our baseball teams are better: Sure, tickets are cheaper in Sacto. But we're talking about the River Cats, the AAA minor league affiliate of the Oakland A's. Since 1999 the Cats have won the AAA Class title three times (1999, 2007, and 2008). Impressive, except when you realize that the cream of the crop players get called up to the Oakland A’s, who haven’t won the World Series since 1989. The Giants? They've won the World Series twice in the past three years. And, anyway, what's a River Cat?
So is our basketball team: The Sacramento Kings are 20 games under .500, are stuck playing in an arena called the Sleep Train Pavilion ("Here we go, Kings, here we...zzzzzzzz."), and have been trying for years to move to Seattle. On the other hand, the Warriors are likely playoff-bound and soon may be upgrading their digs with a new waterfront stadium across the Bay. Plus, have you seen the uniforms?
Our summer temperatures are saner: Maybe Sacramento does have four real seasons. But in July, the average high temperature there is a brutal 92 degrees—often hitting triple digits. SF averages a high of 67 in July—we don't even have to break out the shorts!
Our porn stars are classier: Though Sacramento County is the hometown of Sasha Grey (who moved out as soon as she could), San Francisco has Marilyn Chambers, the original porn star turned mainstream phenom. Plus we're home to Kink.com, the purportedly-ethical BDSM porn site based in the iconic San Francisco Armory. And then there's the whole Scott Wiener saga...
Our state school is mightier: Let's keep it simple. Ours is bigger—30,500 at SF State, compared to a measly 28,539 at Sac State. Just pay no attention to the ongoing City College accreditation crisis.
Our crime rate is...almost the same as yours: We added up violent and property crime for 2012 and compared it to the city population. Sacramento had a 2.4% crime rate per capita. And us? Well, we had 2.5%. Fair enough: we can't win them all.
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